New day.

Finally, for the first time in a while, I get to see my boyfriend. I'm actually just about to get on the bus and head over to his friends house to hang out in a big group..not my  perfect scenario but it'll do. Day 2 with no food, I have absolutely no cravings at all which is a big thumbs up.  Hopefully my friends and boyfriend won't force me to eat..I don't even have an excuse worked out yet! 

I'll blog later tonight hopefully :)

Have a great day! 

Hayley

Alone..

I'm so sick of feeling alone all the time. Parents are always working, friends always have plans when I'm available, and the boyfriend is always off with other girls and his buddies. No one has time for me anymore, or maybe no one wants to spend time with me.
I hate being lonely, I'm already alone in this eating disorder, and no I'm alone in life too. FANTASTIC.

4:44pm

4:44 pm and still no food! Im actually proud of myself for once.
Later, I plan on cozying up in bed with a hot cup of tea, and watching some movies :)

Hopefully my boyfriend will be able to talk to me tonight..I mean actually talk to me, without having to run off after 10 minutes. Oh well.. 

- Hayley

August 24th - Yesterday

So yesterday was supposed to be a good day..I was supposed to follow my diet plan, and I would have been able to do it..if it was for a surprise visit to my family who live about 2 hours away. We spent the night at their house, i was able to only have a sandwich and some salmon, which isn't too bad I suppose. Then night came, and of course, I have chips and pizza being shoved down my throat. What the hell was I thinking...I had like half a slice of pizza and half a small bag of doritos... Last night was not a good night, and today is just not a good day, considering my last nights eating plus being ignored by everyone, including my own boyfriend. I wish life was easier, but I'm thinking if I lose more weight I'll be accepted by everyone. I don't know how much I weigh,  hopefully under 130 now, considering im almost 5'7, but I will weigh in at the gym on Friday when I go to work out.  Hopefully all goes well, wish me luck with my liquid fast !

Staying strong (hopefully?)

- Hayley xo

Ugh..

So my fast was going great, only had some pepsi all day..then I was forced dinner. Ahh, fabulous...So of course, I HAD to eat. i had a bit of corn, about 5 mushrooms and a piece of bread =(
I guess tomorrow is a new start, but I just wish I could be able to do this without my parentals forcing food down my throat.
I do plan on eating a bit tomorrow, just in the morning, and if I'm forced to choose something to eat, i'll either have a salad or a cup vegetable soup.
Definitely need to start drinking more water though, I've hardly had any all day, which is definitely not good.
Anyways, I've finally waited out the 4 hours since I've eaten, so im able to sleep now after a bit of late night excersizing!
I'll blog in the morning !
Goodnight,
~ Hayley

August 23rd, 2010 - The Beginning

So, I've never exactly had a blog like this, and I know there is most likely no one reading this, but I'm hoping someone is out there listening.
Today is day one of my relapse.. I know its not good for me, I know I was happier before, as a recovered anorexic, but looking in the mirror seeing myself everyday, just makes me sick. According to my doctor, I am slightly above the average weight of a 5ft. 7inch teenager by just a couple pounds, due to muscle. I row, I play a lot of sports, and I am generally a very athletic person. I have a boyfriend, the best boyfriend you could ever ask for. I live with my dad and my step mom, in a beautiful home, with 2 cats and a dog. Sounds perfect? Not quite. I'm hoping I dont ruin my relationships while discovering this illness once again, but all I can do is try to live a normal life, with this disease.


So far today, I've had pepsi, didn't finish it yet.. its 5:22pm and I only plan on drinking water for the rest of the day. I already have tomorrow planned out:
10 glasses of water
Salad with calorie-wise dressing
1 cup of vegetable soup


and If I feel a craving, I will have some cooked mushrooms or half an apple.


I didn't keep my eating disorder very well hidden, my mother whom of which I lived with at the time, snooped my texts and journal, figuring me out. That is the main reason I recovered, but I obviously wasn't ready. This isn't a life style I would ever choose for anyone, but it's obviously something I have to live with, recovered or not. Even when I was recovered, I thought about anorexia every single day of my life. It just wont leave my soul.
I think I've written enough, I'll probably write first thing in the morning, and then again tomorrow night.
~ Hayley