August 23rd, 2010 - The Beginning

So, I've never exactly had a blog like this, and I know there is most likely no one reading this, but I'm hoping someone is out there listening.
Today is day one of my relapse.. I know its not good for me, I know I was happier before, as a recovered anorexic, but looking in the mirror seeing myself everyday, just makes me sick. According to my doctor, I am slightly above the average weight of a 5ft. 7inch teenager by just a couple pounds, due to muscle. I row, I play a lot of sports, and I am generally a very athletic person. I have a boyfriend, the best boyfriend you could ever ask for. I live with my dad and my step mom, in a beautiful home, with 2 cats and a dog. Sounds perfect? Not quite. I'm hoping I dont ruin my relationships while discovering this illness once again, but all I can do is try to live a normal life, with this disease.


So far today, I've had pepsi, didn't finish it yet.. its 5:22pm and I only plan on drinking water for the rest of the day. I already have tomorrow planned out:
10 glasses of water
Salad with calorie-wise dressing
1 cup of vegetable soup


and If I feel a craving, I will have some cooked mushrooms or half an apple.


I didn't keep my eating disorder very well hidden, my mother whom of which I lived with at the time, snooped my texts and journal, figuring me out. That is the main reason I recovered, but I obviously wasn't ready. This isn't a life style I would ever choose for anyone, but it's obviously something I have to live with, recovered or not. Even when I was recovered, I thought about anorexia every single day of my life. It just wont leave my soul.
I think I've written enough, I'll probably write first thing in the morning, and then again tomorrow night.
~ Hayley