Is it really that hard?

Why is it that I can grab handfuls of fat? You'd think this restricting would have done something for me. In the mirror, I see my ribs..but below my ribs is a pouch of FAT. Why can't I keep the control I had for so long? The past 3 days have been TERRIBLE. WHY, can't I be happy with myself? All I want is to be happy and thin. Thin means being happy, and being happy means being thin.

Definitely haven't been keeping up..SORRY!

So things are better now with my man..We're closer than we ever have been. I certainly have some trust issues with  him now, but hoping I'll be able to get over it.
Last few days = good

Tonight? well that equals BAD. I had a great day, had about 150-200 calories total, and then our neighbor brought over some mac and cheese..of course, I didn't want to be rude so I had some. PLUS, some garlic bread. Jeez, the one day I really was proud of myself, was just dropped in the toilet and flushed. Whatever though, tomorrows a new day. I don't seem to be losing much weight, which really sucks..Hoping to see the pounds drop soon. 

xx ,  Hayley

Is it supposed to be like this?

The pain I feel

It hurts so much

Is this really real? 

The sadness, the sorrow, in my soul

I keep digging myself into this hole

Deeper and deeper I continue to look

Going and going, I'm stuck on this hook

Being pulled back, closer to thin

I can feel my heart beat, deep within

I look in the mirror, I want to see bones

Get rid of  this fat, all on my own

How long will it take to get to the place

where I can be happy after this long chase

So no eating, no calories no happiness anymore

But its all worth it, if I'm thinner than before.

Whatta life.

Let me just start off my saying, I've had a terrible past couple days. I found out my boyfriend was going behind my back, talking to another girl. It wasn't just talking..It involved sexual content, the fact that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in a relationship anymore, things weren't the same between us, and he regretted not asking this chick out a couple years ago. OH JOY! GOOD TO KNOW MY BOYFRIEND LOVES ME!
I confronted him about it in person, and his facial expression went from 'whats wrong baby?' to 'Oh shit..' Anyways, we talked later that day and he apologized profusely and said he didn't mean any of it. I love him to death, so I forgave him, but It might take me a while to forget this. I would never, ever, In a million and one years, expect this from my boyfriend. I guess everyone makes mistakes though, I know I certainly have. 

I've been doing pretty great the last 4 days, staying under 800 calories, usually around 400 or 500 though. Today I went on an oatmeal diet, only 4 pouches of oatmeal MAX, tea and water :) 

Suprisingly, it was super easy, and I will definitely continue this tomorrow and through out the weekend if possible! I hope whoever is reading this is okay, and happy !

~Hayley

I've been falling behind..

Falling behind with my posts I know, and I'm sorry to the lovely 3 people who are now following me :)

I really thought this would be my own personal blog that no one would read, but I'm glad I'm actually being heard. Had a really really crappy weekend, full of food, but the past 2 days have actually been really good. A small salad, home made vegetable soup and a cup of tea yesterday, and stirfry, a yogurt cup and canned tuna for today. Tomorrow, I plan on only drinking protein shakes, but I'll see what I can get away with. I might have a family dinner in the evening. 

Next topic, my boyfriend. Before, when I used to tell him I want to spend the rest of my life with him, he would tell me he wants spend the rest of his life with me too...or he was even the one saying it first! Lately though, when I've said something he just says me too, or same. No emotion behind it , what so ever. So today, I told him if he ever changes his mind about me, I want him to let me know. He asked why, so I told him because I don't want to be inlove with someone whos not happy being with me. What did he say? He said 'why?'...So I told him why. I told him that it wouldnt be fair to either of us, and he said 'ok.' Simple as that. Boy do I feel loved, and because of it, I probably wont even be able to sleep tonight. I had an appointment with a surgeon today..getting my wisdom teeth dug out of my head, along with some other messed up procedure. SO much stress thrown onto me, just as I started to gain my happiness again.

Definitely have not been keeping up

So, It's definitely been a while since I've written, but I'm back on track. Schools started up, and I've fasted a couple days. Gotten closer with my boyfriend Austin, not been the happiest worm underground but what can I do? This disorder's eating me. I really didn't think I'd fall this deep back into it. I remember 2  years ago when I suffered with anorexia, I could hardly fast but now I plan out everything the night before, and I can fast no problem as long as I'm not being watched when I'm eating. I hate eating infront of people, its the worst feeling ever. I try to hide, but I know if I'm not eating infront of people whats the point in eating? Atleast if I'm around people when im shoving food down my throat, they'll think I'm still hoarding  down that food.

Had an omelet and a cup of tea today..some toast and jam later and thats all. Wish me luck.

- Hayley

Its been like 2 days!

So I haven't written in 2 days, because I had friends over. Friends over means I eat. I eat a  lot. I hate myself. On Friday things weren't THAT bad, but on Saturday things just spiraled out of control. I can't even tell you how much I ate, its a scary amount, at least to me.

I'm back now, writing on my blog, updating on Pretty Thin,both of which keep me on track. I just have to remind myself I can get there, I just have to put the effort into getting to my desired weight.